On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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