Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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