You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
