I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
