I hope mine doesn't look like that
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
