I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
