found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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