Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
