Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
