I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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