So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
