He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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