Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
They have beer where we have blood.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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