Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
