I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
