all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
...so i touched it.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
