Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
