She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
