i don't plan on having that self control this summer
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
