my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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