He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize