i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
