I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
