I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
