pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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