Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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