You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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