She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
