Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
