Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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