He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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