Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
