That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
babies were throwing up all over the place
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
