Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
