i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
