we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
