i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
