Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
