You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
