Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
