My liver just broke up with me...
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
