Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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