I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
