is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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