The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
