I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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