So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
This house was built for laser tag.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
