she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
