Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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