I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I can text with my tongue
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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