My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
