First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
