Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
