if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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