So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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