no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
