and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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